Where are you?

Another holiday season almost over and still no you.  I made sure to put you at the top of my list.  I said lots of prayers this year and just in case.. set out the cookies and milk.  Still my house was skipped...
Do you exist?

My heart

misses you before you walk out the door.

Is this it?
Thought we were building a friendship
You let it get in the way
And they say women have the detachment issues...

I refuse to force, drag, or beg it out of you
You want me as much as I do you or you don't

You obviously do not recognize who stands before you
If you did
You would not be so smug as if you were a conqueror
Your eyes would still be on the prize

You were let in to a place
Intimate, special, and warm
Inebriated with lust
Conscious of love
Unfortunately, your 2-D perception doesn't allow you to get the whole picture

What you think you got
Was a mere fraction of what I have to give
You prematurely sold all your stock
Neglected to see the long term returns on your investment
You went for the short term gain
Now, you are assed out
Trying to build your portfolio again
Asking for trade tips
Trying to get the inside scoop
Why you asking me?
You are the one who duped
Yourself

Thinking this friend you could continue to feed from
Without any backlash or discussions to come?
Sorry to disappoint you,  but I think you are smart enough to know that is not true. 

I crave more
Expect more
Deserve more
from you.

If I don't get what I desire, that is completely okay.  I know where I can get it.  There is always a different way...

Winter and the Holidays...

Are soley for lovers and people who have children.  I can't wait until this shit is over.

Lonely

Anxiety creeps

Depression sets in

There is no light in sight

Can’t ever seem to win

No one understands

No one is ever around

Every time I try to get up

Something knocks me back down

My chest gets tight

My body gets antsy

My eyes stay watery

My life is a dark fancy

Wanting to reach out

Afraid of being touched

“Just keep it moving

Those words don’t hurt much”

Can’t take acceptance

Rejection is so mundane

It’s more tolerable than acquiescence

Such a damn shame

My youth wasted

On loving blindly

Damaged my heart so bad

Can’t recognize when someone is being kind to me

Can’t be touched

I’m untouchable

Can’t be loved

I’m un-loveable

Don’t try to reach me

I don’t answer calls

I want try to

But somewhere it falls

Short

A serious disconnect

My emotions so far gone

Can’t seem to keep them in check

My heart holds so much

My mouth has yet to speak

My mind tries to hold it

All my eyes do is weep

Every night

I lay me down to sleep

My eyes don’t close

My mind wearily thinks

My heart beats fast

My body so tired

No rest for the dead

So much for wishing I could be retired

My thoughts consume me

My basic desires unmet

Little Miss Free Bird

Longing to be wanted

Dying to be kept

How My Love Works...

Unconditional love is what I have to give
It is unyielding and relentless
Forgiving and kind
Passionate and pure
Yours
Ulterior motives
I don't have any
I have no plan
As calculating as I am
This time around I'm damned

Can't sleep

Anxiously await the nights when I can't sleep to wake up and cuddle next to you instead of the laptop. 

Shit

I'm in love.

And they call me selfish...

120 plus days of tension partially released
only for you to dismiss the encounter as fleeting
you take no responsibility in the part you played
pay no mind to my feelings when I try and tell you
you are too busy being in your own sentimental mood
to fathom the thought of me and you
while that's all i can think of
seeking desperately for a clue from you
to see where your head is at
I'm not asking for a vow
it would be nice to know where i stand for now

Careless

I am in trouble.
I slipped and can't break the fall.
How did this happen?

nigga please
I've been here before
you like me just fine
but nothing more
you start off calling and texting frequently
then you fall off claiming you're so busy


nigga please
i peeped you from the start
never minded the warnings
because i saw your heart

nigga please
don't get it twisted
this much is true
we can be friends
but don't think I'm not seeing you
using me for your ego boost
feeding her lies and
giving me limited truth

your heart is pure
but your head is not right
i want you bad
and want to believe you are worth a fight
but if you do this to her would you do this to me?
the answer is not clear on this issue it seems

Social Networks

#STFU
You are not free
You think people care what you feel on FB?
Tweeting your tweets
Out in cyberspace
Making new "friends" on MySpace
#STFU
It's all a facade
To keep you busy
Dumbing you down
Stop you from caring about the world around
Stop you from writing complete words and thoughts
To make you think you're the next Aristotle or John Locke
Narcissism is your nemesis
Keep thinking you are living in bliss
Keep typing what you are eating today
Keep telling everyone where you are every second of the day
You think we don't know or can't figure it out
You're as dumb as you look showing off that piercing in your mouth
Just #STFU
Is all I need you to do
You're typin' loud
But ain't nobody readin' you...

Work

Until you turn old and grey. You will work your whole life away.
You will work to provide for you and yours.
You will work and work until you can't work no more.
You will work and continue to think you are free.
Every paycheck taking small hidden fees.
You will work for a mortgage maybe even land for your family someday.
It'll still be owned by the government when it's all paid.
You work and work and work your whole life through. 
Paying a private corporation the government sold you out to.
One of the best magic acts of all time. 
Has been the operation of slavery for all mankind. 
From the day you are born, you are given a number.
Just like a prisoner, your whole life they encumber.
You are on a ledger from day one.
They will be sure you work until your days here are done.

Tomorrow

Look for tomorrow. 
That's what they say.
But why?
Tomorrow is like any other day.
Tomorrow rarely varies in an extreme.
Tomorrow tends to be routine.
Tomorrow is filled with tons of hope.
Tomorrow is a cruel middle/lower class joke.
Tomorrow is not promised, but when it comes
It typically brings the same hogwash when it's all said and done.
Tomorrow is a modern replica of the past.
We set ourselves up for it creating checklists and tasks.
They set us up for it creating crooked banks and falsified learning institutions.
We fall for it. Trusting the media when they say it's the only solution.
Not only do they create these enslaving means. They make us pay for it handsomely.
We pay a reserve not owned govermentally. They tax the broke and give breaks to the wealthy.
They raise gas prices and take corporate retreats.  They crash stock markets and fund wars globally.
They perpetuate hate and package it as love.
We keep buying into it. Too scared to let go of
Everything...
Because all of what is preached is a lie.
There is no hope for tomorrow if we keep letting everything ride.
Tomorrow will look just as it does today.
No hope, no future, dreams fulfilled only half way.

Words are Powerful

Words inspire.

Words instruct. 

Words despair. 

Words corrupt.  

Words impact. 

Words matter. 

Words are more than just idle chatter. 

Words cut

Deeper than blades. 

Words leave scars in your heart and brain. 

Words bind and Words destroy. 

Words are brazen Words are coy.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. 

The Words you say can produce anything.  

Laying

Laying here in the middle of the night

Listening to music

Daydreaming about you 

Closing my eyes and drifting into R.E.M 

Does not seem to be an option this evening

So I think of what it would be like

If I were sleepless next to you...

News

Megan and Chris are getting married.  Sam and J will be new parents by Friday.  Cindy and Erik are having a boy.  Heather and Ben are planning her daughter's Sweet 16 and 2nd year wedding anniversary.  Tiffany and Ryan are planning their big move.  Sofie and Avery are planning their wedding. Atasha is planning her 31st birthday.  I swear I know how Kanye feels in Welcome to Heartbreak...minus the lavish lifestyle. something has got to give soon.

Untitled

It's like.... I can not catch a break. 
The cosmos are against me finding my soul mate.
Whenever it seems I find a potential candidate.
There's always something in the wake.
Always something too big to shake.
So I'm sitting here patiently trying to wait.
Not stopping my life but still hoping for the day.
Things finally turn around and go my way. 

Blueprint

Frustrated.

Because the attention I get from him is not from you

Am I supposed to get over it? 

I have no idea what to do

He doesn’t give me butterflies when he walks into the room

I don’t get that sensation when he kisses me the way I do with you

I wish I knew what lied in store for us two

It would make things easier to figure out my next move

I need a crystal ball or work on strengthening my third eye

Wish I could somehow suppress these feelings running around inside

I sit and I write this as if I don’t know what to do

I know I have to drop him

Tell him to find someone new

He’s not the one for me

If it’s not his attention I seek

I wonder if my interest for a man will ever stay peaked

He lost my interest long before you 

I was just selfish and lonely and wanted someone to hang on to  

Now, I’m still lonely but ready to let him go

Because I want to feel for him the way I do for you

And that will never show 

So I say good bye to him

He takes it pretty cool

He appreciates the honesty

At least I didn’t play him or make him feel like a fool

We will remain friends and that’s a good thing to me

However, my man he will never be

I walk this planet still feeling lonely 

Pining for a love that may never come to be

But remembering how I feel thinking of you

Gives me a blueprint of what I know to be true

If it’s real I will feel like I feel about you

Maybe 10 times worst

10 times the falling 10 times the hurt 

10 times the laughter 10 times the pain

10 times the sunshine 10 times the rain 

I will feel with all my might and all my soul

I will feel so much that my physical will glow 

Until that happens I have my blueprint to view 

Feeling the way I feel thinking about you….

Heartbreak

Just because you are the heart breaker, doesn't mean you are exempt from heartache after you sever a relationship. It's just as bad to give bad news as it is to receive it.  At least you can look at yourself at the end of the day and say you had the courage to be straightforwardly honest with someone.  It's something people hardly do now a days. 

Ideas for my utopia

Land
Large Island
Marble white and brown sandy coasts
Greenery and tropical flowers everywhere
In the very center of the Island is a high tech metropolis operated off of non fossil burning fuels
Buildings look metallic but are made from environment friendly building material


Society
Money is not a problem because it is a supplement not a necessity.  Crime  doesn't pay because basic human needs are met.  Resources are abundant because they are shared.  Unemployment is scarce because everyone works in their community to build and maintain it.  People are enlightened, creative, and inventive because education is free, taught without bias, and jobs do not take up 2/3 of  a person's day. All doctors perform on each patient to the absolute best of their abilities because insurance is not needed to prevent or heal any ailment. Every person has access to decent legal counsel not based on how much they can afford. Bureaucracy does not exist.  Jail/Prison is for serious law offenders.  Fines are for minor law offenses.   Intuitiveness, creativity, compassion, and reason are values instilled instead of individualism, materialism, greed, and confusion. Every culture is represented equally and positively in the media.  All cultures are celebrated and respected.  Healthy living is propagandized everywhere. There are no restaurant franchises, cola, or snack machines lurking around every corner.  People do not boast about the liberties and freedoms they have in this nation.  They instead reach out and advocate these principles to other less humanized nations peacefully without imposing ill will.  Military does exist for national defense only.  No one is deployed to fight for occupancy of another people's land, property, or resources.

Some ideas for my utopia

School

Can't wait until  im done! lol

I love it when my friends decide to get married.  It's a beautiful thing.  However, some themes are just no bueno.  Like, I hate when the girl wants to have a fairytale wedding....it's generic and usually requires the guys in the wedding party to wear something extremely gay.  Also, the color is normally pink or purple or baby blue.  I love those colors but last time i checked its the groom's day too.  Can't you make it a little more thugged out?  Even if he doesn't want anything or little to do with it.  You would think the bride to be would give it a little thought....I've only been to one wedding where the husband had as much say about what was in the wedding as the bride. There colors were red, black, and gold.  Their wedding dance was to a mix with "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson, and "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce and Jay-z.  When they did their entrance for the reception, they ran to their table rockin out to "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys. All done in a garden setting with fountains.  It was a good time.  Ahh memories...

Anywho, I hope my friends have a good wedding theme or at least nice colors.  And I hope they choose decent food for the reception...just cuz I likes to eat! LOL!  Maybe they will let me pick out their theme.  I've got tons of ideas:

For the seriously gangster couple-Alley Wedding:  Find an alley gut it out.  Get it cleaned.  Graffiti the walls with bride and grooms faces and like lovey dovey stuff.  bridesmaids will wear colorful graffiti short dresses with graffiti heels to match.  groomsmen will wear white tuxes with graffiti ties and vests and comber bun with a fresh pair of kicks.  The reception would be in a basketball gym.  where there would be a disco ball, red koolaid punch bowl, Roscoe's chicken and waffles would be the catering company.  Hmmm.... and the bride and grooms first dance would be an old school hip hop dance off.  That would be sooo cool!  Annnnnddd the gift would be a self portrait of you and your family ( graffiti) of course! 


For a more down home southern type couple- Idle wild Wedding- Have the wedding in a small church.  Preferably with a mostly wooden and red interior.  The colors would be like browns and sepia with red as the accent color.  Bridesmaid would wear deep wave hairstyles and dresses cut resembling 1930's styles.  The brides dress would have lots of lace and her jewelry would be pearls.  Groomsmen would wear hats....maybe even pocket watches and the best man could rock a cane.  There would have to be a roster somewhere in the midst of all of it.  The reception could be on a farm with lots of fresh fruits and veggies.  The bride and groom's first dance ...hmmm...idk...ill have to come back to that.  Buttt gifts! Would be miniature picnic baskets with a chocolate covered fruit inside it.  ;)

For a more glamorous type of couple- The Platinum wedding.  Everything black white, and silver/platinum accents of course tons of bling.  Inside a huge church.  Choir singing tunes at the ceremony.  brides train is as long as the isle runner.... reception at a nice club w/ open bar.  bride and grooms first dance would be to Jayz and Beyonce "Hollywood". ....wedding favors...digital photo key chain (blinged out) with bride and grooms pics in it...

For a lets hurry up and get this over with couple- The Sunrise Wedding.You have the ceremony in the mountains or by a lake at sunrise.  Then a breakfast reception.  that is equipped with a waffle tower and syrup moat.  the colors would be yellow and white.  the bride and grooms first dance would be to "It's a Beautiful Morning" annd favors....oranges with an juicer tool and a recipe on how to make the best oj... all packaged in a small brown cardboard box , a white ribbon around it, and a white or yellow daisy on top.  the couple will be married by 6am an off to their honeymoon by noon!

For the couple that likes to party and wants their friends to party too- A New Years wedding.  Rent out a club or something similar.  Get married at 11:30 pm.this way it will be time to kiss the bride at midnight.  Have everyone stay and get hammered drunk and party...  kids would have a section equipped with sitters.  hor derves would be served instead of a full meal and... favors would be personalized NY party favors... get a pyrotechnician to do wedding fireworks...BOOM you got yourself a frigging party!

The Pencil,the Tractor, and the Coconut

My friend Ben and I were bored at work.  So, he gave me three nouns and told me to build a story around them.  Here is the result.  I'm a regular Dr. Seuss....LOL!


There was a brown pencil on the ground.
Some kid lost it.  It was nowhere to be found.

The kid went looking for the pencil everywhere it seems.  He started by looking beyond the palm trees.
He saw something peeping through the sand.  So, he digged and he dug using only his hand.

He pulled the thing out of the ground. It wasn't his pencil.  It was something hairy and round. 
He thought to himself, "This thing I'd like to cut."  For this thing that he found was a coconut!

The boy was very hungry.  His lost pencil had him in a daze.  He wanted to eat the coconut in so many ways.

So, he stopped focusing on the pencil he lost, and went out on a quest to crack the coconut at any cost.

He looked for something sharp with absolutely no luck.  Then, he stumbled across a yellow vehicle that resembled a truck.

It had cool bells and whistles and other neat factors.  The vehicle looked like a truck but it is actually called a tractor!

The boy decided the tractor could crack the coconut.  He tinkered and toyed with the tractor and finally got the coconut cut!

He drank the coconut milk and ate the coconut meat.  He thought to himself, " This meal can't be beat!"

He remembered his pencil and got back on his find.  That little lost pencil the boy was determined to find!

He decided to retrace his steps all the way back to school.  He went to his desk and felt like a fool. 

For what did he see when he looked down?   His little brown pencil.  Right there on the ground!

Funny

How one small phrase or gesture can change a mood...

Woodworks

Why do they always come out of the woodwork all of a sudden?  And why is it this is the way guys ask you out,  "Hey, I'm sooo bored, you should come over."  Why in the world would I want to come over to your boring house, sit on your boring couch, and chill with your boring ass?  And why call me telling me you are bored?   Do I look like entertainment?  Am I a showgirl, an amusement park?  Lastly, what makes you think I would want to come to your house and I barely know you? Men, step your game up.  It's tired.  I'm tired.  Sheesh!

Worst way

Sweeter than Candy
Sweeter than Sugar from a sugar cane
Sweeter than honey
You got me wanting you in the worst way
My heart gets so excited Every time I hear your name
Your love is so surprising
Got me feenin you everyday
Every time I see you
My knees get weak and I can't deny
That if you wanted to
I'd give it to you in a second b4 you could bat an eye
Rockin and Rollin darling
Is what I want to do
I need you right now boy
Tell me what you gonna do
My body's calling for ya
So You should...give it to me boy
Things u do they drive me crazy
Got me wanting you more and more

Technology

I'm disappointed.  Every time I watch an episode of  "The Jetsons".  I think, "Where in the hell is my flying car?"  I mean really the world has had a good 20 something years to figure it out.  That's about how long I've been watching the dang cartoon.  I believe we have the ability to make this world so beautiful and technologically advanced.  It is painful to see people only focusing to make one thing..."money".  When is the last time something truly ingenious has been invented?  When is the last time you actually had one man come out and say, "I have the cure for (input disease or virus here)!"  You haven't.  It's always some bs.  Here is a list of inventions I would love to see in the market for the average Joe to have before I die:

1) The flying car
2) People and object teleportation devices
3) Embryo carrier ( for the on the go moms, alcoholic moms, and druggie moms)
4) An underwater frictionless subway that connects from the east coast of the US to Europe that can move over 200 mph DOES NOT RUN ON GAS
5) An underground or above ground subway same as the underwater that extends coast to coast in the US.
6) The breakfast machine
7) Instant grow lawn (and i ain't talking chia pets)
8) Instant gourmet meal maker
9) Virtual Vacations (for those who do not have time or cant afford an actual one)
10) Time travel stations
11) Can we make a resort on the moon already?
12) wireless electricity
13) robot butlers and housekeepers
14) keyboard free computer activated telepathically
15) A dress you up closet (just like jetsons)
16) A fix my hair thingamabob (just like the jetsons)
17) A molecular ray used to diagnose illnesses and symptoms equipped with smart technology to tell you what you should do to fix it. 
18) A do my nails thingamabob (just like the jetsons)
19) left and right  up and down elevators
20)  hands/ feet free cars.  all you do is program in your destination and it gets you there

This is what I thought about today at work...  I swear the world is so lame.  We are way behind.  I feel like we are in the dark ages.  :(

Can't find my cool!

I loose all my cool when he calls, when I'm near him.  I mean really? WTF?  Him and I text all the time.  However, he calls and I run out of things to say?  He calls and I'm fumbling to find topics of conversation.  He calls and I lose all competency.  Why am I so enamoured by him.  You know how Doug Funny acts around Patty Mayonnaise?  Well, that's me with him.  I wish  I knew what he was feelin...

Crushing hard, much? Poem

I wanna be your the first thought you have when you wake up and the last thought you have before you turn in for the night.
I wanna be the one you call to make a perfect day just right.
I wanna be the one you want to cuddle with on rainy days.
I wanna be the one you think about when passing by a Tiffany's.
I wanna be the one to hold you down when and if you need.
I wanna be your backup when you are too weak to lead.
I wanna know your all your achievements.
I wanna accept all your flaws.
I wanna love you unconditionally and let you tear down my walls. 
I wanna be your Claire Huxtable, your Florance Nightingale too.
I wanna be your fantasy and make all your dreams come true.
I wanna be your muse.
I wanna be your Queen.
I want you to feel like with me you can conquer anything.
I wanna talk about babies.
I wanna talk about life. 
Hell, I wanna make some babies and build us a life.
I wanna be your passion I wanna be your desire.
I wanna be the one who cools you down like water does to fire.
I wanna be so many things to you that you can't possibly equate...
But right now I'll  be happy to settle for a first date.....

Ode to the Men in my life...

Dad
Divorced my mom when I was three.  Never tried to find me.  I found him.  Married, three kids.  Where did I fit in 23 years later?  I didn't.  I wanted to get to know him, he wanted me to get to know them.  That would have been fine.  If he would've just made some time.... to get to know us.  He couldn't do it, so I felt I had to keep it movin. 

Stepdads numbers 1&2 and mom's ex-boyfriend...
You all seemed nice enough.  I'm sure your intentions were good.  My mom came with baggage, you seemed like you understood.  You tried to teach and discipline both my brothers as you thought you should.  Differences in parenting stood in your way of nurturing their manhood.  Instead of standing up to mom and telling her to give you time. You stood back and ultimately fled the scene. I guess it was easier to say "well they're not mine."  I have no ill will toward any of you.  Even though some of you I should.  I know relationships are difficult. People and situations get misunderstood.  Your actions I'll always remember. Time has passed and wounds are healed.  When it's time to have my own, men like you I will never yield. 

Uncle
Always been around.  Him and my Aunt go through their ups and downs.  He says I'm the favorite and he will do anything for me.  That can't be too true because when I ask, I never receive.  So what do I do?  I stop asking for things.  And this is completely OK.  I'm not your responsibility anyway.  I appreciate the words of endearment and all.  But that's where we end it.  That's where the line is drawn.

Big Brother
I love him so much.  We have our issues, but forever we can never be out of touch.  That's my blood and he comes through time and again.  He's an alright big brother, and an awesome friend.  I pray he flourishes like he always writes. He tries so hard to turn his wrongs into rights.  I can't quite look up to him they way I would like, but he's definitely a person I want to always keep in my life.  I love this man and he only gets better as he grows.  I thank God that he made this guy one of my bros.  So, cool and collected and knows what he knows.  I get my swag from him and he taught me how to always land on my soles.  

Baby Brother
Little boy, I love him.  He thinks he's a man.  He's just a baby having babies. He had too much time on his hands. When he was in high school, I had to pick up my mom's slack.  She was busy with her drama.  We got in the way of that.  So, I kept a job and got him all the extras like mom used to do for big bro and me.  Got him his kicks and fits for school, made sure he stayed clean. Got him a celly and paid the bill.  All he had to do, was keep his grades up and see the school thing through. At first he was focused he had football and music to keep him occupied.  But I suppose it wasn't enough because it all went awry.  It was my time to leave the nest and I guess things went from bad to worse.  My baby bro dropped out of school after that his life forever cursed. Four kids later, with no diploma or GED, he spends his days and nights in jail, state property.  I cry for my lil bro, I gave everything that I could. I wish I would've given him lessons in manhood.  God knows I tried,  but I'm not a qualified teacher I was still trying to find my stride.  I love my lil bro and I pray he finds his way.  I hope when he gets out he sees a brand new day.  Doesn't take people for granted and love his children hard.  I hope he leaves the hoes alone and reaches for the stars.  He is such a talented person full of potential.  He's gotta change his ways. At this point, it's essential...

Big Brother by Another Mother

I hated you. I hated all the negative things you did to my friend.  I hated that she loved you in spite of your actions. I had no clue what she saw in you.  I just couldn't stand you. I told you this to your face, cared not for what you had to say. It felt like over night, you took all that was wrong and made it right.   I love how you proved me wrong.  I love how you and my friend lasted so long.  I love how you decided to be the head of your family.  I love the positive male role model you turned out to be. I love how you made me eat my words. It doesn't happen normally.  I love you, bro, respectfully!

To these men, thanks for helping me develop my swag, my intuition, my independence, my durability,and  my strength. I had no perfect male role model figure. I got to see first hand man's imperfection. I thank God he put positive and negative men in my life and allowed me to witness how they can change.  It gives me faith that I will find the right man for me. 

Military facebook post that angered me....

"My friends go to college, I go to war. At the same hour they wake up to decide not to go to class or call in sick to work, I've been at work for hours. Their alarms wake them up, my alarms send me to cover. They make plans based on how they feel, I do as the schedule that was put out to me demands. They can't wait to leave their homes, I can't wait to get back. But when we look back at our respective lives they will like theirs and I will be damn proud of mine.." 

This quote was posted in facebook by one of my students who, frankly, couldn't cut it at the university and recently decided to join the military.  The young man was in school for about 4 semesters with a whooping GPA of 1.3. His family spent $10,000.00 per semester on tuition alone! The boy barley made it out of boot camp.  He is now at his training school. Not to mention, he has never touched foreign soil in his life, let alone to fight a war. 

I commend this kid for correcting his life path and finding something that he is truly passionate about.  He obviously was not cut out for college.  The military is truly, his saving grace.  This is the case for many.  However, I have a problem when you have the audacity to belittle a group of people and their life choice just because they are not doing what you are.  It's rude, nasty, shows your weak character and all the real reasons your ass couldn't cut it as a civilian.  Point blank: You need guidance 24/7 of your natural born existence. 

It more than likely has to do with your parents coddling you throughout your life including keeping you in school with a dismal GPA.  People like you expect to be told what to do because if you're not told, you'll more than likely forget! My prayer for this kid is that he doesn't end up on the front lines.... at least not without his commanding officer standing right next to him and giving him explicit step by step instruction on what to do and when.

 

My Greatest Desire/Fear

I have tons of friends and a family that loves me.  It doesn't shake the deep longing to have and nurture my own family.  I want this so bad.  I want to be in love.  I want to be in that "wash yo dirty drawers" type love.  I  want children. Yes, I said it.  I want kidsss.  Yes, it's plural.  I want to teach them how to be good and kind.  To love all. Know their history and where they come from and be proud of it.  I want to raise leaders and innovators and inventors.  Little fashionistas and artists.  This is what would make me happiest.  I know it is hard work to love and teach like that. However, to me,  I can't see any thing else that could be more fulfilling than to be a GREAT wife and mom.  I look into my future and my aspiration to be a wife and mom seems so bleak.  I feel I have a better chance of hitting the lottery.  I guess a girl can dream.

Sooooo much on my mind

I gotta get it off.  First, I was inspired to start blogging because of a new friend.  I do not like facebook anymore.  It died when it started changing into Twitter and since my dumb butt added all my work friends and started using it for my private business.  I do not like twitter.   To me, twitter is the "LOOK AT ME" network.  I don't want to be judged, noticed, or anything.  I just want to express what's on my mind.  Blogging gives you nothing but space and opportunity!  I have tons to say and I don't know how to say it all.  I'm so happy that I do not have to worry about offending anyone! :)